Are you struggling to break an unhealthy habit? You could find relief in a surprising place! Experts are linking addictive behaviors to disconnection with ourselves. So healing may lie in self-love. In this episode we're talking with Dr. Natacha Nelson about how to reconnect with ourselves as an antidote for counterproductive habits.
After healing her own life from the traumatic events of her past, Dr. Natacha Nelson now helps others understand the connection between their physical, emotional, and spiritual worlds. She's going to help us learn to listen to, and accept, our emotions as a means to release our need for emotional escape. She will share how we can shift from running away from ourselves to feeling freedom right where we are.
Natacha Nelson, DC, MA has dedicated her career to understanding the connections between physical, mental, emotional and spiritual well-being through principles of Chiropractic and Spiritual Psychology. For twenty years, she has worked in private practice, helping thousands of patients understand and care for their body and health.
She lives in Los Angeles, with her daughter, where she continues her work as a Mental Health and Wellness consultant and educator. For more information on developing your personal or professional Mental Health and Literacy Program.
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To download the free journaling prompts guide mentioned at the end of this interview, visit: https://advicecolumn.com/resources/
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Connect With Our Guest
Dr. Natacha Nelson, Life Doctor
Lisa Liguori (Host):
Advice Column Podcast:
Are you struggling to break an unhealthy habit? You could find relief in a surprising place! Experts are linking addictive behaviors to disconnection with ourselves. So healing may lie in self-love. In this episode we're talking with Dr. Natacha Nelson about how to reconnect with ourselves as an antidote for counterproductive habits.
After healing her own life from the traumatic events of her past, Dr. Natacha Nelson now helps others understand the connection between their physical, emotional, and spiritual worlds. She's going to help us learn to listen to, and accept, our emotions as a means to release our need for emotional escape. She will share how we can shift from running away from ourselves to feeling freedom right where we are.
Natacha Nelson, DC, MA has dedicated her career to understanding the connections between physical, mental, emotional and spiritual well-being through principles of Chiropractic and Spiritual Psychology. For twenty years, she has worked in private practice, helping thousands of patients understand and care for their body and health.
She lives in Los Angeles, with her daughter, where she continues her work as a Mental Health and Wellness consultant and educator. For more information on developing your personal or professional Mental Health and Literacy Program.
_________
To download the free journaling prompts guide mentioned at the end of this interview, visit: https://advicecolumn.com/resources/
_________
Connect With Our Guest
Dr. Natacha Nelson, Life Doctor
Lisa Liguori (Host):
Advice Column Podcast:
Dr. Natacha Nelson
If you don't deal with it at the source, you just transfer one addictive behavior to another. They either put the weight back on or they start smoking, or they start drinking something that just replaces it instead of being able to bring all of them at the same time.
Lisa Liguori
Hello, friend. Welcome to advice column. How good are you at listening to what your emotions are telling you? And in what ways do you struggle with behaviors you wish you could let go of? I've been on a search for how to overcome my poor eating habits, which I recognize as addictive in nature. In this episode, we're going to learn how to use self love as an antidote for counterproductive habits, and as a tool for understanding our own needs. I'm excited to learn more about this topic, because a few episodes ago, we talked about how to stop running from our uncomfortable emotions. Our panelists shared that what helped them to learn to endure difficult feelings, rather than using substances or habits to escape from them, was learning to practice self love. The connection between self love addiction and disconnection from our own selves, was unexpected and interesting to me. But when it comes to having more self compassion, I don't understand how practically to do that. So I wanted to dive further into how to use self love to get more comfortable with uncomfortable feelings, rather than escaping them with destructive habits. So in this conversation, we're straying from our regular panel format, to do a deep dive with Dr. Natasha Nelson, who after healing her own life, from the traumatic events of her past, now helps others understand the connection between their physical, emotional and spiritual well being. She's going to help us learn to listen to and accept our emotions, so we don't need to escape from them. And so we can shift from running from ourselves to feeling free, right where we are. I'm really excited to share our conversation with you. So let's dive right in.
Dr. Natacha Nelson
So my name is Dr. I guess, Natasha Nelson, and spelled with a C, because it's different. Um, and I'm here because part of learning part of teaching part of experiencing everything about life is about feeling comfortable with emotions, and all of them. And learning to say yes, and the willingness to say, I'm going to feel all of them came from my own personal journey, and realizing that the power and the enjoyment of life is feeling everything.
Lisa Liguori
Wow, it's such a it even as you say it, it sounds challenging. I'm so grateful. And I'm so grateful for the work you're doing. And what I think I'm just on the precipice of understanding myself is that a feeling isn't good or bad. So I know you talked about this a little bit in a group that you visited, that I'm in, but the thing I have is a feeling. And then I think what I learned as a child is to take the feeling to the judge, who when I was little was one of my parents. But now is the judge in me that says, should you feel that way? Or shouldn't you feel that way? And that pattern is super difficult, because I get into a spiral of that I feel guilty that I feel that way. And it's like a massive spiral downward. And so I'm wondering, and I don't even know how to ask the question, really, but how do you get to a place where you go? No, I'm all feelings are okay. And you just and feeling them? Is? Is a healthy thing?
Dr. Natacha Nelson
Yeah. And what a great question. So you asked it perfectly. You know, it took me time to really, really dive in and understand the purpose of feelings to begin with. So growing up for me, I always knew I'm like a really, emotionally really sensitive kind of child. And also, there's a part of me that's very, like happy go lucky and easygoing, and I'm always smiling. And I learned early on to as a child that my parents didn't particularly like the emotional part of me and they loved the happy part of me. And they rewarded that part of me with love, affection, everything and so I just started to live my life with Okay, well then nobody wants to see the yucky ugly, messy, you know, sad, depressed or emotional little girl part of me. So I'll just be happy all the time. I'll just and if I don't feel it, then I'll pretend to be happy all the time. Yeah. And I live the life called, you know, fake it till you make it if you have to and put on a smiley face. And, you know, nobody wants to be around a sourpuss, like all those messages I took to believe to be absolutely true. Yeah. And it worked for a while, until it didn't work anymore. And trying to suppress what I was really feeling and put on a happy face became so excruciating where there are times that I didn't even want to be around people, because I didn't want to have to force pretending to be happy when I wasn't. Hmm, that's fascinating. Yeah. And that's when starting that idea of, you know, people only want to see the good side. And I remember, but I felt like I had so much more to me. And when they all kind of crashed around, it got to where I had to learn, to start to feel my feelings, and accept them, and really learn how to be that really kind of sensitive and emotional child without scolding myself. And without feeling like I'm a bad person, for having all of the other feelings, all the uncomfortable feelings. And as I started to really do the work and learning that one of the questions that really always stood out was was our feelings good or bad? And of course, I always thought, yeah, some are good, some are bad. Depends on how they make me feel. And as I started to understand that the answer is they're neither, that that's just information, all of a sudden opened up, like, Oh, so now I'm not a bad person, or good person, based on how I'm feeling. I'm just a human being with all of the feelings. And that was a big opening for me. I felt it was correct. And I felt it was true. I think part because, you know, my background with chiropractic. You know, when people came into my office in pain, like a physical pain, and they kept saying, like, oh, I have this pain in my back or pain in the neck, and it's bad, and I have to make it go away. My answer was always no, it's not bad. It's your body letting you know that there's an injury or the muscles are tired, or something's wrong, and you want to be able to feel the pain in order to give a proper diagnosis. And then to give a proper treatment, you have to be able to feel it. And so if you're taking pain medications, I wouldn't be able to help you because we don't know what's wrong. Yeah. And that was such an eye opening when I was able to translate that chiropractic philosophy and what I'd been practicing for years into the emotional realm. And then I went, Oh, like, emotions are the same as physical body sensations. It's just giving me information. And that was like, life changing. Like, instantly all, you know, it's like, you know, instantly, two years later, three years later, instantly, relatively, I mean, right, like a magic moment where when I said it, and I wrote it, and I heard myself, and it was like, everything in me just said, Oh, my gosh, that's right. That's accurate. And then that's what was the step for me to be able to say, Okay, well, then now I can give myself permission to feel all of the uncomfortable feelings, and then figure out what to do with them. But I needed to feel them first. And so that's how all that started.
Lisa Liguori
That is absolutely incredible. It strikes me as you're talking that there's all these messages and our culture, about positivity. And I know, in my household a lot, you know, we had, I and I sound like I'm criticizing it, but we we had this the intention of my parents was to help us frame our thinking and be as productive as we could be. So we would hear we would read a quote every night I had dinner, and then we discuss what it meant. And most of the quotes were like, you know, pick yourself back up when you fall down and choose your attitude and you're the master of your destiny, and they're great things and at the same time, I think I have something inside me that's like, the second I'm in that place of darkness. I feel like well, I need to change this right away. I need to fix my thoughts so that I have a more positive attitude and look at the bright side and I'm wondering if that's part of the repercussions that comes out somewhere else, because I don't really feel that yet.
Dr. Natacha Nelson
Yeah. And I grew up that way too. So my mom was very, I mean, she took me to my first Tony Robbins seminar, I think I was about seven. Oh my gosh, so everything was about the positive, be happy. Pick yourself up by your bootstraps. Like, don't let anything, you know, keep you down. And, and there's, there's power in that. And there's truth to it. But it's just incomplete. And the way I felt for me it was growing up, which I love those parts of me when I was feeling like, Okay, I'm a go getter. And it was working. And it's great. And it's working, and I can handle it. But when things but and when things became at times overwhelming, or emotionally overwhelming or draining, and I couldn't bounce back in a day or two, then I started to feel like, well, I must be a bad person. And there must be something wrong with me, if I can't bounce back fast enough to get back on track of all of the positive affirmations and the positivity. Yeah. And the need and the depth of who we are as humans, is being able to have the experience of all of the feelings and emotions, including the painful ones. And it's not about wallowing in or being stuck in there. But it's about getting the messages of what's that information, what's it trying to tell you. And I realized once I spent time with the uncomfortable feelings, and learned what the emotions were about, then I would pass through them. And then it would be like who in there I'm back in the, in the in the happy zone. I love the ocean and I live near a beach and I love it's like I love it. I love the ocean because it's sometimes it's calm, sometimes it's turbulent. But no matter what, looking at the ocean, there's a lot of stuff underneath, and you don't see it. Mm hmm. And I feel like that's where, like my emotional depth is like the ocean, it can go deep, and it can go really intense. And it can go really, really dark, just like the bottom of the ocean where it's dark, there's no light there. And there's some really creepy, ugly looking creatures. But they are part of life. And we need them they're part of the circle of life. And it's important to go and allow myself to have those times where I'm deep diving into the water. I also know how to do it in a way where I trust that I have a boat at the top with a lifeline. So I don't get lost. So I don't get lost in the waters. And I don't get overwhelmed with the darkness. So that I can, when I'm ready, come back up to the light. And then when I come back to the surface, and then sometimes I like to go play out with the stars in the rainbows in the unicorns and be all in that fluffy, you know, sprinkly magic, which is fun. But I can't live there. Because it's not real. And it's partly real, but I can't stay there. It's not sustainable. But neither is the dark. So I have to be able to allow myself to go all the way up with the rainbows and all the way down with the creatures in the ocean. And sometimes, in one day all go through all of them. And sometimes I just hang out in one or the other for a couple weeks. And it's okay. Yeah, just allowing it to flow whichever way it goes.
Lisa Liguori
That's so interesting. So how do you take that deep dive and have the line back to the surface? I mean, what practically do you do so that you know you can explore without getting lost in the depth?
Dr. Natacha Nelson
Yeah, such a great question. For me, I like to write, I didn't know that I liked to write until I started writing a lot after my divorce. So about 10 years ago. And I found that it was just really safe and comfortable to put all of my feelings on paper. And I would just write and write everything that came to my mind all the feelings, all the thoughts with it. And sometimes it will take you know, 10 pages of writing. And then I'll get to the end of my writing and go Hmm, well, there's a nugget of information. And that's really good information. And at the same time, I'll be like, and I feel better. Yeah. And and it would be just like that, like, oh, and then I started to realize the nugget of information was the depths of my soul trying to talk to me. But the only way we could get my attention was to make me feel really uncomfortable for me to sit down and write.
Lisa Liguori
So I'm guessing from what you're saying you might feel yucky and then you sit and write and as you're writing you realize why you feel yucky is that kind of the process.
Dr. Natacha Nelson
Yeah, so part of the process is, if I wake up in the morning, and I'm like, I just feel off like, like, I don't try to get rid of that feeling. I just go, Okay, I feel off, okay. And I don't judge it as Oh, it's bad or or I'm bad for having this feeling I start with, Oh, okay. That's the feeling. Because I look at feelings the same way as I do as, like sensations of feeling hungry? Well, if I feel hungry, I'm not mad at myself for feeling hungry. I'm just hungry. So I go find food. So that's the way I approach emotional feelings. I go, Okay, well, let's start with what I'm feeling. If I feel overwhelmed, or frustrated, or doesn't even matter what it is, as long as I can identify with it. As the feeling whatever it is, I'll be like, Oh, that's what I'm feeling. Okay, frustrated. So I'll sit with my paper and start with and be like, I just feel frustrated. Okay, well, why am I feeling frustrated? And it's the question why, like, why am I feeling frustrated? Because I can, that's the part that will lend itself to 10 pages, you know, I can write one sentence, right now I feel overwhelmed. Okay, why? And then I'll just go on and on and on and on. And as I'm writing, it's like, layers start to shed. And then there'll be a nugget that says, Okay, well, maybe whatever was on my schedule, I need to be able to say no to, or change the schedule, then I get to where I look at the schedule and go, Okay, do I have the courage to change what I committed to, or change what I feel like I'm obligated to do? What see what I can change or what needs to move around. So it's the process of identifying it, identifying why, and then looking at the action of what to do to change it. Mm hmm. I would say nine out of 10 times as soon as I look at the calendar, and I start to see and I go, Okay, well, I need to cancel something, reschedule something, or I need to make time for myself in there. As soon as I do it. Oh, all the feelings of overwhelm, magically go away? They do. They just, it's like I took care of the hunger of what was below the surface, just like I would, if I was actually feeling hungry, I would give myself healthy food and nourishing food. So it's the emotional nourishing that goes with the sensation and the discomfort of the feeling.
Lisa Liguori
Yeah, and when you equate it to a physical sensation, I wouldn't second guess myself for dealing with a physical need. And then when it's emotional, somehow I have a different paradigm around it. So I really like that.
Dr. Natacha Nelson
Yeah, it took me a while to get to that too. But once I realized it, I'm like, Well, why wouldn't I listen to my emotional feelings? And then of course, I had to go with the Oh, because that's what I was taught. Oh, oh, okay. Well, then I need to relearn a different belief system that says having all of the emotions are, are good to have, and they're good to feel. And the difference though, is, while feelings are real, they're real to me. It doesn't mean I have to make everybody in the world, change their life, according to my feelings. Like, it's it's personal work, like, I can't feel like, Oh, I feel overwhelmed. So everybody in my life needs to rearrange their life so that I can feel better. No, it's personal. It's my work to do. And I feel like so much gets confused. And when people think other people should make are responsible for your feelings. They're not, it's like, your feelings are your feelings, and you have to handle them, and deal with them, and take responsibility and ownership of them. Not expecting other people to make you feel better.
Lisa Liguori
Maybe that's where it gets really confusing for me. So, I mean, recently, I got I got angry at a family member, and I felt impatient with her. But it was the first time I said if I feel angry, it's I don't like that I was impatient. But maybe it's okay. Maybe it's valid that I had the feeling.
Dr. Natacha Nelson
Yes. So the feeling is valid and the feeling is real. And anger is such a misinterpreted emotion. Like you know, my mom bless her heart would always say don't let people see you angry because they'll try to use it and take advantage of you or use it against you. Hmm. For me I grew up with of all the emotions don't show anger. Right. What I realize is anger has a lot of good information. And the information contained is it usually means somewhere there's a boundary that got broken, somebody broke or betrayed a boundary. Mutually that boundary that was broken. We broke it ourselves. Like I have felt angry at other people, but then I realized I was the one that allowed somebody to compromise a boundary that I had that I did not stand firm on. And if you really look at the situation that you're angry, and the conversation that you had, oftentimes, there's something that was misinterpreted, or an agreement was broken, because it was never really set up properly, it's an agreement you may have had in your head, or an agreement that you assumed, you know, we assume our friends are going to behave a certain way or that our family's going to do certain things. But if they're never accurately expressed and agreed upon, then we feel angry when somebody broke a promise or broke a boundary. But it was our responsibility to clarify it in the first place, and clarify it properly.
That makes a lot of sense. So how do you validate your own feeling of anger, while at the same time understanding that the person you're angry with is yourself? Like? How do you process it? Is that through the journaling? Or what? What kind of questions do you ask yourself? Or how do you soothe yourself in those moments?
Dr. Natacha Nelson
So if I'm involved in I'm angry, I can feel the tension rising in a conversation with somebody else, I will stop that conversation and be like, I am going to put myself in a timeout, and I'll get back to you. And first I do that. And then I go back with myself and say, Okay, what am I angry at? There's an expectation, usually somewhere in there that was broken. And I'm kind with myself to just I think I look at all the feelings now. It's like a just a big puzzle. So here's where I'm going to say, you know, when you thought, oh, algebra, what's the point of algebra? We don't need algebra and math is good. But it does. It taught us how to do puzzles. It's problem solving. And so everything about emotions and feelings, it's like doing algebra, we're just problem solving, you know, X and Y, and Z that have no numerical value. And so anytime I'm feeling any feeling that's uncomfortable, I think of it as Oh, okay, well, here's a problem, that it's like a game like a problem to be solved. Okay. So first, I have to identify like, what triggered me like what pissed me off? And once I can see what pisses me off? Usually, I can also see where I did not clearly state my position in the beginning. And that beginning could have been a year ago, it could have been 10 years ago, or yesterday. So you have to do the work to say, Well, where is it that I was not clear on like, the rules that I have for how I want to live my life, or what I want to do. And where it can get muddy is sometimes we agree to things because they sound good at the time. And then when the time comes, we realize we don't really want to do it. Or we don't like the idea of it.
Lisa Liguori
That happens to me all the time.
Dr. Natacha Nelson
And then you realize the anger is, well, if you didn't want to do it, then you should be able to have the courage to change it. Yeah. And as soon as there's a part of you, that feels like well, I don't want to do it. And you do it anyway, you just violated your own rule, you're violated your own self. And that's what you're mad. You're mad at because you know, you felt one way, but you didn't listen. Mm hmm. And as soon as you can identify what it is you're like, yeah, like I changed my mind. Well, okay, you're allowed to change your mind. Then developing the courage to speak up and change your mind and be able to own it be like, okay, somebody might be mad at me, okay. Okay. And the more you realize and identify it, and you realize, all you can do is recognize your part, and what role did you play and take responsibility for that? You can't make other people do anything or say anything or feel anything. You all you do is take responsibility for your part. Yeah. And that's all you can do.
Lisa Liguori
That's so empowering, though. It is.
Dr. Natacha Nelson
It's very empowering and freeing because once you realize where, like, you betrayed yourself, then you realize, okay, well I either need to have a conversation with updated rules, you know? Or if it's with another person and they don't want to, you know, they say all I don't like who you're trying to be or I don't like your new rule, we'll be okay with it. It sucks. Don't get me wrong. It'll it can suck, but at the same time you go well, okay, well, then that sucks. Well, I'm not going to betray myself and pretend to be okay, just so that we can maintain whatever relationship agreement we had.
Well, I know For me, too, I, sometimes my most difficult, angsty situations are when I have multiple competing values within myself, like, I have a friend that comes to mind who I really want to spend time with. But it's hard to see her because she's in a very unhappy state right now. So it feels energy draining. So I have these competing values of maybe taking care of myself with look like not visiting her on a particular day. And at the same time, that other part of me says, But you're my identity is as someone who takes care of the people that she loves, when they're in need and struggling, but we're in that sow is this angst inside me, I don't know how to process it,you know, things.
Dr. Natacha Nelson
But it's, it's also it's anger at a deeper level. So if you change the word anger, it's almost a rage. And it's a rage, that you are put in a position where there's a conflict. And the conflict of having to choose, there's a part of you, you feel like you're choosing between being good person versus bad person. And the information that's being presented to you is the choice. And the conflict that you're having between the identities of being good versus bad, are the premise and the foundation is off. Like, you can't choose between being a good person or a bad person, you make the best choices that you can day to day. Mm hmm. And it's okay, when you just at least acknowledge that being with other people, on certain days is just really taxing. It's physically taxing, but it's also emotionally draining. And it leaves you in a place where you're so beat up, that it makes it hard to do all the other things you're supposed to do for your life and survive. Yeah. And it's not about getting rid of one or the other. But it's just acknowledging that and in the acknowledgement of it, you can you know, that's where the mind starts to go, Okay, well, what's a better option? Okay, well, maybe I spend less time with her. Or maybe I have a plan of what to do when I'm with her or there's no right or wrong, it's just whatever starts to feel like a better way to be okay with doing the best you can.
Lisa Liguori
That's really poignant. That hits me, as we talk about this healthy way to accept and process emotions. The tendency that I've gotten into for a long time, is, as soon as I have an uncomfortable emotion, either talking myself out of it, which only works temporarily eating to distract myself, I feel sometimes I'm I don't know what to do, I have so much to do, I'll go to lunch. And it's a way of, it's my form of time out. And I use that for a lot of different things. And, you know, I feel like I'm abusing my body. And so you mentioned journaling as an alternative to escaping from emotions. But I wanted to ask you specifically about addiction. First of all, how do you define addiction? Because it does seem tied somehow to emotions and our ability to enjoy them?
Dr. Natacha Nelson
Oh, yes. Um, so my working definition of addiction is any substance or behavior or activity that you use consistently, in order to avoid or distract yourself from feeling any uncomfortable feelings? Hmm. And it's very broad. And I've done it on purpose. Because what I've come to realize, you know, in the courses that I teach, and it's literally part of what I do, it's called what is your soul aching for, because in order to break any addiction, you have to be willing to go really deep and understand the ability to feel uncomfortable and sit in the feeling and appreciate the feeling, not wallow in it. Although pity can be a feeling that anytime an uncomfortable feeling comes up. If you don't have a process in place of a willingness to say yes, I'm going to work through it, then you'll find something to do instead. And there's a difference between like if you're at work and you've got to work for the next you know, whatever, eight hours and an uncomfortable feeling comes up. Although you don't necessarily stop in the middle of your work and be like I gotta go process my feelings. No. Okay, peace out. I gotta go. Oh, is nothing would ever happen. But when you can acknowledge and be like, Yeah, that's what I feel and it kind of gnaws in there. You know, I'll tell myself like okay, brain like, I know you're feeling uncomfortable. Let's just finish what we're doing and I'll come back to you tonight or tomorrow morning. And my mind will say Okay, it's like it will naturally just let the feeling kind of go into the back burner until I can finish what I'm supposed to do. However, if I made a promise to my mind that I was going to go back to the feeling, and I don't, well, then my mind's gonna be like, Oh, you don't want to come back? Well, bam, I'm going to make it harder and make it worse. And you're going to feel worse so I can get my attention like as tantruming child. Right. And at two o'clock in the morning is usually when that tantrum child shows up, you're trying to sleep. It's two in the morning. Your mind is like, do I have your attention? Now? You got nothing else to do. So in here we are. Yeah. And part of, you know, so much about how to break those cycles, it starts with just acknowledging it, recognizing it. And every time you catch yourself, you really have to be like, Am I really hungry right now. Am I really bored right now? Which one is it? You know? Okay. And it takes being really honest. Like we talk ourselves into stuff all the time. That's just the way the mind is. And. If you can appreciate it and understand it, you can laugh at yourself with it. And as soon as you can laugh at yourself, that's when you start healing, it allows you to stay present in current time and, and deal with whatever's is showing up.
Lisa Liguori
Well, it's interesting. The things that you're saying, because I had heard in the. I think it was this guy named Montay Gabbert government government, and then he went and talked about addiction, essentially being a separation from ourselves. And the fact that these are distractions from how we feel really sounds similar in that.
Dr. Natacha Nelson
I love Dr. Gavin Marty's work. And when he talks about addictions and how they've showed up, but also when and where and why. And so a lot of the work that I do too, is very similar to his in that, you know, when you start going deeper in the world of addiction, you have to realize that addictions showed up as a coping mechanism. When something was emotionally too overwhelming to handle, and it usually starts something in childhood. Um, that was traumatic. That was, um, that as a child, no, you didn't know what to do. And so addictive patterns are just a way to survive, but to really go deep into the healing process, I. You know, work with clients to go to the, you got to go to that inner child and deal that part that's been traumatized and all of the hurts and the wounds, and really be willing to go. Deep into it and let them go because they are there. And until they stop being active, then you just start. If you don't deal with it at the source, you just transfer one addictive behavior to another. So it's why people, when they're like, well, I'm going to lose weight. Okay. They either put the weight back on or they start smoking or they start drinking or they start something that just replaces it instead of being able to break all of them at the same time.
Lisa Liguori
Yeah. I think you even mentioned one time, um, exercise or things that could be helpful. When they become compulsive are of counterproductive long-term yeah,
Dr. Natacha Nelson
It always comes back to, well, what's the intention behind your activity. So working out is so great. So work and working out are the two that. And that there are more, but those are the top two in the categories of, you know, you get, you become successful or you get the accolades of being successful at school or work or being successful, you know, as an athlete or model or whatever it is and how your body looks. And it's really, um, it's so subtle because. We need to work out for our physical and emotional health, and we need to work to feel our sense of purpose in life, but it's a really takes being honest and being present to know, okay, well, if you're working on a Saturday, do you need to. Or are you trying to avoid something? You know, if you're going to the gym and you're hanging out there longer than you need to, like, you can get your workout done in an hour. You hang around too. Well, why are you hanging around there so long? Like why, what are you avoiding? So it's always about the intention below the action that helps guide, but it takes really being honest and it also takes somebody else sometimes to point it out. Like for me, I know I had to work with other coaches who would point out my behavior and be like, oh, I didn't, I didn't even realize I was doing it. And that's when I went, oh, Yeah, it makes sense. Like how easy it is if you know something's uncomfortable and I'll be like, oh, okay, well let me go find some music on my, on my phone, which does it seems so like innocuous. Like, it really isn't a big deal until you realize, well, how often do I have to go look at my phone and play a song and do something. To avoid what I'm in. Yeah. And it's just about being honest, the honesty, the more you can be honest with yourself, the more you're able to identify it. And then you can kind of, you know, recognize your humanity and laugh with yourself. Yeah. And what happens is it also translate that when you get to that place with yourself, then you see it with other people and you're not so angry at them in hopes you identify like, oh, okay. The behavior pattern or behavior, you know, action might be different, but then you realize and have compassion for why they're doing it because you can recognize it in yourself too. And you just go, oh, okay. And then there's where forgiveness comes in. It's where compassion comes in.
Lisa Liguori
I wanted to ask you about self-love as a kind of antidote to addiction or unhealthy behavior. I interviewed some people and they shared about escaping their emotions and almost all of them somehow tied it back to a lack of self-acceptance and that the journeys that they took was toward self-love. But where I left off with that episode was okay, but how do you practically do that? And I'll notice now I'm anxious and restless. And my, one of my. Addictive behaviors is to go to work. So I have something to distract myself from that feeling. I really would love to cultivate a healthy practice of self love in those moments. And I just don't quite get how you do it. What does it actually operationally look like?
Dr. Natacha Nelson
So that's such a great question. I guess for me, it comes to a place where I just go, you know, I accept. All of the emotions, like there's over 6,000 words in the English dictionary that are emotion, feeling words. Wow. And part of the self-love is just going, oh, this is what being human is about. And it's also the greatest ability for me to feel love and joy is when I feel crappy and awful because I get to the full circle where I'm like, oh, okay. I understand how and why the behavior or the action or the uncomfortable feeling showed up. And when I can get to understand it, cause in the moment, no, I don't feel self-love in the moment. I'm like, I'm not loving this. This sucks. I feel like crap. And I'm unhappy because I'm not getting stuff done, but the self-love comes from the district. That I know I will always write. I will always be like, okay, well I'm going to write . So the self-love comes in the form of the action to say that is how I love myself to say, I will write it all out to find out what's. Um, and so sometimes the action of self-love, it's an action. It's the, it's the form of taking the time to journal and re I have enough respect for myself to do it. So it can be action. And then the self-love will come in with the understanding. Oh, that's what that feeling is.
Lisa Liguori
Yeah. What I love about what you're saying is one of the ways I think that we are, we love other people is by listening to them. So you're basically saying your discipline is to listen to yourself.
Dr. Natacha Nelson
Absolutely. Yeah. 100%. Yes. Always will do it. It's like, I just, it's such an act of self-love to be like, I value my own feelings, my own story, what I have to say, what I have to feel. And my paper is like, like my trusted friend, so, okay. I will listen. Yeah. Well, and it's so manageable. It's not so esoteric to take out a piece of paper and write down how we're feeling. Yeah. And what I found is a lot of times it's not really that complicated or hard. I might feel something uncomfortable and I'll sit and write. It'll be like four sentences and I'm like, oh, okay. I'm good. Oh, that's it. All right. Good. Done. Yeah. Now people talk about being kind and being kind to others and others, having a hard time, which is important [00:40:00] and kindness to yourself is so overlooked. If we could just look at ourselves as if we're just our own best friend or a child in need and what we would want to comfort and the kindness for that child or friend, and to be able to offer that to our. It's so valuable. And I feel like the more we're able to do that, the better we are at showing up for other people and just, it changes our interactions with ourselves and others every day.
Lisa Liguori
Um, what do you think of all of that? I find it so encouraging that learning to accept rather than push away or feelings could be as simple and practical as taking time to journal. Another thing that really resonated with me is that we can accept our emotions and have compassion for ourselves without making anyone else responsible for how we feel. I think I'm getting more clarity on how discomfort with our quote unquote negative feeling. And habits that allow us to disconnect are related to each other. I wonder how you practice self-acceptance and if there's anything you'll do differently after listening to Dr. Natasha, my hope is that this conversation gives you greater peace within yourself and helps you learn to listen to your feelings like you would to those of a friends. My goal is going to be to listen to myself at least once a day through journaling. If you'd like some great journaling prompts right now, you can download the list we've put together for you. Advice, column.com forward slash resources. Advice column is a non-profit 5 0 1 C3 and we exist to add value to your life.
So I want to thank you for your positive reviews, which are deeply meaningful to me. I'll see you in the next episode. And until then, lots of love.[