Advice Column

How to Balance Honesty and Kindness

May 10, 2022 Lisa Liguori Season 2 Episode 5
Advice Column
How to Balance Honesty and Kindness
Show Notes Transcript

It's sometimes challenging to be both honest and kind at the same time. When you have to give difficult feedback, for example, you may wonder how much to share. Hear from Pastor Doug Kyle how to balance both truth and love in your day-to-day interactions. Learn how growing in this capacity has changed Pastor Doug and how you can "lean into" your strengths as you navigate this delicate balance.
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Connect With Our Guest

Pastor Doug Kyle, 

Lisa Liguori (Host):

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Advice Column Podcast:



Doug Kyle

Truth helps us to be more loving and love helps us to be more truthful. These two things really do need to go together and they actually do serve one another.

Lisa Liguori

hello friend. You want to have great relationships, whether it's at home or work, and you want to have emotional health where you honor your thoughts and feelings and treat yourself with respect. You want to build teamwork and connection with your people, but all of those things depend on really good communication and our communication.

It can be a tricky business. So in this episode, you'll hear thoughts on how you can balance honesty with kindness, or you might say truth and love. Oh, my gosh. Do I need help on this topic recently, I've had several instances where I struggled between wanting to share something and not wanting to. And striking that balance has always been really hard for me when it comes to communication.

I've had all kinds of challenges from holding things in and then exploding in a hurtful way to saying things too quickly and unfiltered and hurting people's feelings that way too. Never communicating. Yes. Almost harming myself and building up resentment and then every dysfunctional thing in between that I can think of.

And as I was grappling with this, I thought of something my very wise pastor told me probably 15 years ago that stuck with. He said that truth and love are like the sides of railroad tracks and they need to be parallel to each other, or it doesn't work. That was a really powerful metaphor in my mind that those two things, truth and love or honesty and kindness need to be in balance.

So I reached out to him and asked him to share on this topic so we can make our communication both open and accurate, but also kind and encouraging. So it strengthens our relationships and connections rather than driving a wedge between them. This will be the first conversation and a two part series that we'll do diving into this topic.

Let's dive right in.

Doug Kyle

This is Doug kyle I'm the pastor of green valley church in San Diego. And I do a lot of premarital counseling working with couples. It turns out that working in the church world so much of it is relational. And so this topic has become really important to me as I, as I deal with, with other people about it.

Lisa Liguori

How did you first come to think about speaking the truth? And to realizing, the metaphor that you shared with me that it's like railroad tracks.

Doug Kyle

Yeah, I guess it was a long time ago that I, I first read the passage in Ephesians 4: 15 in theBible that says, instead speaking the truth in love, we will grow and it's linked to personal and spiritual maturity that somehow if we are going to grow up, if we're going to mature, ifwe're going to develop as individuals, we're going to have the capacity to see.

Both lovingly and truthfully, and it struck me that those concepts were often intention. Often people tend to lean one way or the other, but it's important to do both. It's important to be both honest, as well as kind in the way that we talk to one another and deal with one another. So I think that's where it first came to mind.

Lisa Liguori

It's hard to keep them in perfect balance. How do you see that play out?

Doug Kyle

Yeah, absolutely. We, I feel like as individuals, we tend to lean one way or the other, we tend to be a little bit more loving in our encounters with people are a little bit more truthfuland of course, you know, both are important, but we tend to have a tendency one way or the other in culture, we combine the terms.

We say things like, uh, I believe in tough love. And, uh, but I find that the people that say that are usually. Underscoring the word tough there and not so much love. Or I hear people say, you know, I, I found true love and there again, the two terms are combined truth and love, but often someone who says that is really focusing more on the sentimentality of the relationship rather than the honesty in the relationship.

But, uh, so we, we tend to lean one way or another in reality. Uh, we need to hold them together. We're only truthful when we. When we're lobbying and we're only loving when we're truthful there they're inseparably linked together.

Lisa Liguori

Do you have a tendency yourself toward one or the other?

Doug Kyle

Yeah, I think that I am the way I'm wired. I'm a little bit more towards the loving side rather than the truthful side.

Lisa Liguori

So how have you found a way to balance? Because I think I'm also on the loving side. If I'mafraid to hurt someone's feelings, I might not tell the whole truth.

And what I think I've noticed is that I then hold in what I really feel, and it ends up coming out in a big explosion. So I am wondering how to shift and keep those things in balance. Like, what is the, do you have a litmus test or a way of figuring it out? And checking that you're in the middle of the tracks.

Doug Kyle

Yeah. Well, you, first of all, it's just helpful to recognize that it's an important question. Askto, to identify what you are. So even you and, and I talking about this a little bit, we have a sense of where we fall on that scale and maybe people listening. We'll do that too. They would kind of know, yeah, this is the site I am as well.

I like to think about when I do premarital counseling. I like to think about it in terms of being either a confronter or an avoider, which is kind of the same idea avoiders um, for thesake of peace will compromise the truth and they're doing it for good motives. They're doing it because they feel like that's the most loving thing to do confronters.

On the other hand for the sake of solving an issue will compromise love, and they also feel like they're doing it for a good and a noble reason they're doing it because they, they wantto pursue the truth. And so part of it is just to notice your own tendency. Am I more of an avoider, more of a confronter which camp do I fall into?

Sometimes we, uh, in relationship we find, uh, we tend to link in with people that are. On the opposite side of us. So I often find it in couples, in relationships. There's, there's one, that's more of an avoider and one, that's more of a, uh, confront. So I think there's a couple things in mind that I found too, that are valuable to kind of balance that out.

Uh, first of all, kind of celebrate what you are. There are times when the way you lean towards is a really helpful situation. We need people in our world that are focused on truthand honesty and accuracy and precision. And on the same hand there times what we really need, people that are focused on love and unity and, and, um, connection and a S a sense of harmony and peace that, that, that come from being together.

And that's important too. So first of all, realize what you are and then leverage it, uh, in situations, maybe put yourself in situations where you. I can use that to your advantage. Uh, I'm thinking now of like your job or your volunteer work or your hobbies where you're you're leaning could actually be an asset to what you do.

So that's the first thing you don't always have to be balanced. I think being balanced is a little bit overrated sometimes. Uh, sometimes there's a benefit to lean into your strengths.Uh, give you an example of this. If I am going to have a, um, a medical test done, I want my, my, um, receptionist to become.

Kind of maybe err, on the side of being loving, I want my lab worker to be truthful. I want them to lean on the side of being accurate and I want my doctor to be both loving and truthful to be well-balanced. So kind of know what you are and lean into that.

Lisa, you and I both know that. Where we really do need to be balanced is when it comes to those important relationships in our life. And we're in those, those key relationships in our lives now balance is essential. And we can't just say, well, that's just the way I am. I tend to be more confrontational or I tend to be more of an avoider because both being overly confrontational or overly.

You know, uh, a risk adverse or a avoidance oriented is going to get us into trouble. And so that's really getting to the heart of your question where, how do we, how do we correctthat? And, uh, I think that comes down to, um, to this, if you're an avoider and that is you kind of lean towards the side of love, but you need to recognize that truth will help love succeed.

You need to realize that that actually. It's an important part of being loving is to being truthful. And if you're a confronter who tends to err on like, just be honest, maybe even brutally honest, you need to recognize that that love will help you succeed in, in solving the problem. And so you, you realize, you realize that you actually need the.

Component to really make you more successful at what you're trying to do. Um, confronters need to learn, to say, uh, say first, um, our relationship is strong. We're on the same page, kind of emphasize the other side, the other position first to start there in that relationship. And then those who are more avoiders need to learn to say, first of all, you know, I want to solve this.

Uh, I want to fix this. I'm committed to a solution here and not just kind of going along, never late things change. So you kind of start. In the other camp when you're, when you're talking to the other person or when you're working with the other person.

Lisa Liguori

What I love about that is it seems like it can make the discomfort worth it. If you know, confrontation will serve love there's this, because I think it's called the power of a positive.No. His whole point is if it's hard to say no. Think of what it's in service of. Like, no, I can't be on the committee because my, yes is I want to be there for my kid's soccer game, but it's kind of flips it around.

Doug Kyle

Yeah, you're looking at the goal. And the goal is to, is to be both truthful and loving. And for the, you know, the avoider, they really are thinking, I just, this feels like a risk to me to go here because it's going to feel like it's going to disturb the love. It's going to unsettle it.But you can see that.

No, if we are willing to go here and really wrestle with the problem, the issue, the, the reality, the truth that's, um, that's behind all of this. We will actually end up experiencing love at a deeper level. And the same is true with the confronter. If you're, if, if the confronter is willing to. First of all focus on the importance of the relationship and the harmony in the relationship.

Then the other person is going to be in a place where they're really ready to maybe solve those issues. Cause it's going to be a safer place to do it.

Lisa Liguori

Yeah. That makes a lot of sense. Well, when somebody is flexing the less comfortable muscle, so let's say I need to deliver feedback. That's not 100 percent glowing. Um, I'm just thinking of a work center, for example. Is there any guidance and I don't know if there is, but how to find the line with. Crossing it and just feeling horrible for not being encouraging. Does that make sense?

Doug Kyle

Yeah. Well, so I like, I know for, for, for you and, and probably for me too, and those who you, as soon as, you know, the side that you tend to lean towards, you're probably at no risk of ruining that you, you at least a will always be encouraging and you will always be loving. You always kind of come across harmonious. And so there's no real risk that that's going to be compromised. The real risk is you won't really say everything that you need to say. You'll you may leave some things.

At the, um, because it sounds like you're being too harsh. Um, so I, I don't think there's a, there's a risk that you're going to cross the line is the person who's on the other side, whotends to be more confrontational. There's no risk for them that they're not going to say the important things that need to be said the risk there is that they're going to not also add to it.

The caring kind, loving and unifying things that would make the other person more receptive.

Lisa Liguori

Yeah. So we can err, on the side of pushing out of our comfort zone.

Doug Kyle

Yeah. I think you can. Uh, and part of it, isn't just, um, knowing who we are, but knowing who we're talking to, let's say you're a. Unifier, uh, an avoider and you're talking to someone who's confrontational.

They will receive it more if you're, if you're a little bit more blunt, if you're a little bit more honest, if you're a little bit more direct, they want that. That's what they, they, they appreciate that in conversation. On the other hand, if you're talking to someone who is similar to you is also an avoider.

Well, then that, that harmony, that, that, that sense in which we're good. Um, our relationship is strong. This isn't, this conversation, isn't a threat to our unity or our friendship is going to be important to lean into. So part of it, isn't just knowing who you are, but it's knowing who you're talking to.

Lisa Liguori

How have you changed over the years as you've practiced

Doug Kyle

this? I think I've been a little bit more comfortable with who I am realizing that's just going to be my go-to and I've, I've learned to leverage that and be good with that because, uh, whichever side you are, you're, like I said earlier, there's some real advantages to that.

So part of, I think over time, I've gotten more comfortable with who I am and not apologetic about it sometimes. We realize there's all these things I need to work on. And you forget that, uh, that both these sides are really good places to land there. They're noble truth and love are both very admirable traits.

So part of it is getting comfortable with who I am. And secondly is to, I've learned to pay more attention to the person I'm talking to and not so much my needs in the conversation as what they need in the conversation. And when I, when I do that, which is really. Part of. Maturity and self-confidence, and just, you know, being comfortable with who you are, uh,you really can focus on what they need, do they need right now for me to jump to the jump to the point and really, you know, get into the issue or do they need me to, um, put us at ease, uh, in this conversation now I know the latter, I'm always gonna, I'm gonna leantowards without even trying.

So I, I, I have to discern no, this person is going to have. I feel better about this conversation if we just jump right into the issue.

Lisa Liguori

So you're better able to pay attention to the other side because you have less static withinyourself.

Doug Kyle

I think that's a good way to put it.

Lisa Liguori

It also just points back to the power of community as I hear you talking and that whether it's in partnership or congregation, The fact that we all do have differences that we can serve with, um, is a strength.

And I liked the idea of not just dismissing it because it's not exactly in the middle.

Doug Kyle

Each of us needs to take ownership for our own contribution to the conversation. And I'm not going to assume that the other person is, uh, spending a lot of time thinking about whether, how we can balance being truthful and loving and this, uh, so I, I just need to have learned to take ownership for that and say, that's, this is my responsibility in this.

And usually that, that makes the conversation go a little better.

These two things really do need to go together and they actually do serve one. Another truth helps us to be more loving and love helps us to be more truthful. And, uh, we live in aday and age where publicly online with technology, there seems to be, uh, an extreme emphasis on being honest and truthful and blunt, uh, to the point that it's actually.

Pretty hurtful. Yeah. We've, we've forgotten what it means to be kind and loving and, and caring, uh, for, for people as if the people that we're dealing with publicly are not real people. Uh, surprisingly on the other side, I've noticed that in face-to-face conversations with people or encounters, uh, we may be, tend to be more to accepting into kind, uh, andunifying at the expense of being truthful.

So we need, we do need this more than ever in our, in our social situations, in our, in our life, in our world.

Lisa Liguori

You know, it's so great that you mentioned that I was just a friend just told me that about this study, where they had someone write reviews or feedback for different individuals. Sothey had them write the feedback, but the person wasn't there, these were, were supposedly to be posted online.

And then they brought the person into the room. They were actually there on the premises, brought them in and they asked the people to read their comments. And some people wouldn't even read their comment. They couldn't even say it in the presence of theperson. So they were so much more bold and so much more harsh when the person was an abstraction.

But as soon as they were in front of them, they couldn't even bring themselves to share. And I think that's a little bit of what you're saying that. There's this big divide between online and feeling like we can say anything without that's it's not really attached to a real human, um, and then a completely different experience in person.

Doug Kyle

That's such an interesting study and yeah, that, that completely reinforces what we're saying. We need to bring those two things together when we're, when we're not face-to-face with people. And we tend to be a little bit more blunt and honest, uh, kindness and love should, should infuse those conversations.

And when we're face to face with people and we tend to avoid being blunt and honest andfocus more just on being kind and nice and relational in that situation, we need to bring a little bit more honesty and, and truth to that environment.

Lisa Liguori

So much good stuff to think about. I'm really moved by the idea that as I work on this balance, where I can practice is when I'm face to face, really leaning into being more openand transparent, where it's less likely or more difficult for me to do that. And then when I'm in an email or a text or online and social media, where it might be easier to be more blunt to work on.

Being more kind. So I think that'll be a really fun place to just start and practice. What are your biggest takeaways? And I'm curious, do you have a sense of where you fall on the spectrum? Is it more natural for you to be more honest and blend or more gentle and kind,but maybe not completely forthcoming.

I've loved how pastor Doug said that we don't necessarily need to always be exactly in balance, but that we can actually lean on our strengths and leverage. And I love the idea that within a partnership or a community, if we're each bringing our little bit different placeon that spectrum, we can balance each other out.

That's one of the things I really think is so beautiful about. I'm really grateful to pastor Doug and all that. He has taught me over these many years. So a very special thanks to him for his generosity and sharing with us on this episode. And I'm really excited to share something with you for the month of May, 2022.

So from May 1st to May 31st, 2022. We're doing a competition to see how many reviews we can get on the major podcast, listening apps, so that we can spread the word about this podcast. So for every review we get for this month, advice column is donating $5 to Ukrainian relief funds up to $10,000. So right now, wherever you're listening to this podcast, if you give us a review that will be five more dollars to Ukrainian relief fund.

I am so grateful for your help spreading the word about this podcast, which is a passion project and a nonprofit 5 0 1 C3. Thank you for spending your time learning alongside me. And until next time, lots of love.